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SOUL RAPTURE DIVINE WISDOM

7/25/2018

 
Picture
Fair use license, U.S. Const. Art. I, § 8, cl. 8., Section 107 of the Copyright Act
Picture
Psilocybe pelliculosa mushrooms.jpg Wikimedia Commons
Yesterday I took 3 1/2 grams of mushrooms. It was a gentle, beautiful, and a strange experience that allowed me to access parts of my subconscious.  This psychedelic journey allowed me to make a major breakthrough in regard to unraveling the trauma that I experience as a result of the sexual aggression I survived. As I have described in previous posts, I experience debilitating emotional trauma from having been sexually abused over a period of 6 months by my French teacher A.T. at NAME OF THE SCHOOL in 1994. Yesterday, cradled by the gentle nature of the psilocybin spirit, I was able to understand why I have an obsessive behavior, which gets triggered by emotional attachment and prevents me from experiencing intimacy and love.  This teacher A. T. was obsessed with me...that's why he kidnapped me after my mom/I went to the police and made a police report. 
 
The first time he touched me, I remember clearly meeting him in a dark cave-like bar somewhere on the plateau Mont-Royal.  Where the fuck was that? He bought me a gin and tonic, and I am pretty sure he drugged me that night to raped me.  I woke up traumatized in his bed. I can't remember consciously what happened that night. I need to find out what happened that night. I have a somatic hypnotherapy session this weekend to begin letting go of the debilitating trauma and obsession that I have been holding on and carrying inside of me.  I just want to make a quick note on why I do not choose to do psychotherapy. Recently, I spoke with a woman who is specialized in sexual trauma.  When speaking on the phone with this psychotherapist, she mentioned coldly: “You will never truly heal from sexual trauma.”  I disagree. So, why am I going to pay $200 hours to speak with a woman who doesn’t think I can heal? It seems counterproductive. This is why I choose to work with a somatic hypnotherapist.  This man said I would feel better after the first session, and if I don’t feel better, I don’t have to pay. He also said that he usually sees his patients no more than three times. His fee is reasonable, and he told me he could help me heal from this debilitating trauma. I will also be exploring other forms of alternative healing therapies until I feel whole and healed.  I am so excited to heal.  I want a loving boyfriend.  I deserve love.  

It is painful and isolating to not be able to let yourself be vulnerable enough to engage in a healthy relationship. I have come to know my debilitating emotional patterns intimately.  I can no longer live like this because I need intimacy and love to thrive.  It is no longer enough for me to survive. I want my life back. I want to be happy!  I want to live my life with fierce courage and trust in the present moment! What I had when I was 16 was so beautiful and so precious…A.T. had to take it from me.  I took all the responsibility when I lied in court to protect him from going to prison...and it almost killed me.   He raped my body-heart-soul, and in this way he stole my innocence and my JOY.
 
I actually cannot believe it took me 25 years to understand this. It seems so obvious now... Yesterday I finally understood that it is because A.T. was obsessed with me that I have been carrying this obsession inside me. This obsession has been living inside me, but it is not me, and it is not mine. It is his soullessness, his sickness, his obsession.  I don’t want it anymore. He can have it back. This obsession I have been carrying inside of me…he gave it to me when he raped me, and sexually abuse of me over and over again...Sick bastard. I forgive you.  I feel compassion and LOVE for you.  Do you believe me? I almost feel sorry for you, but I don't because it is the sacred drama we have both chosen to engage in this lifetime. You are my true soulmate. This was a soul contract. That's for sure.  An archetypal drama our infinite souls agreed to play…I am grateful for it all. I have grown into a wise, loving and generous mature woman.
 
I believe this happened because of an oath I have made somewhere in a lifetime other than this one. This oath was to protect all children everywhere always. This is it!  This is what I am doing. For the protection of all children everywhere always.  Refining my understanding and deepening my sense of wisdom, as well as protecting children.  This all makes me happy, and so does sharing my thoughts with you dear reader.  If it is true that I have this ragging pain inside me screaming for healing, it is also true that I am going to heal.  And when I do. Boy! oh! Boy! Baby! Baby! Baby! Oh ya! I will be so fierce, unstoppable, and so fucking beautiful. It's going to be scary. 

                                                                  Just wait and see.
Alexis
7/31/2018 08:21:10 am

These are quotes from a trauma-survivor that I really like. He is an amazing writer too. They might be shocking, and only take what speaks to you. By Jeff Brown.

"Forgiveness is not a concept. It's not a badge of honor. It's not a measure of someone's spiritual health. It's a PROCESS! And, if you choose not to forgive at the end of that process, you are not a bad human. Some of us actually heal and choose not to forgive. Imagine that."


"Make no mistake. Those that focus on the importance of forgiving your aggressor while you are still hurting are aggressors, too. They too are channeling their unresolved material in your direction. They too are denying your value and trivializing your suffering. Many who preach forgiveness are merely bypassing their own unprocessed victimhood. Trauma survivors in denial, they need you to artificially forgive, so that they can turn off the tap of their own remembrance. If they can jump you to premature-forgiveness, they no longer have to see the reflection of their own unprocessed pain in you. It’s the most dangerous game of all- to invite forgiveness of other- before a victim has been truly seen in their woundedness, before she has truly moved through her own organic process. If you have been wounded, you have been wounded. It's that simple. And you won’t heal it, and the world won't evolve beyond its hurtful ways, if we sweep that truth under a bushel of forgiveness. The heal is for real."

"I always try to remember how much courage it takes for abuse victims to return to a state of trust in this world. This is no game, and often takes every ounce of energy and faith they can muster. Trauma is not simply a concept or an idea of something. It is not some misplaced story. It is a deeply embodied experience of suffering that fastens itself tightly to the cellular (and soulular) structure of every person who is victimized. It embeds itself as somatized memory, and it cannot be wished away and bypassed with positive affirmations, artificial forgiveness, or victim bashing mantras. It just can’t. I often hear people telling others ‘to get on with it,’ ‘let it go,’ and ‘stop playing the victim.’ This languaging adds insult to injury, and is both counter-productive and victimizing. Yes, we don’t want to hang onto trauma as identity for the rest of it, but it is far worse to pretend that it isn’t there. The heal is for real, and that healing can only happen in a compassionate and patient environment. May we support those who have been traumatized (which is most of humanity, in my estimation) with an exquisite depth of understanding and presence. Without it, we just keep the cycle of abuse alive. Without it, we miss the opportunity to heal our own brokenness and enhearten this mad world. The heal is for real...."


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     BÉRANGÈRE MAÏA NATASHA PARIZEAU
    ​

    My artwork, experimental films, and scholarly reflections emerge from a deep curiosity and fascination with the boundlessness of the human spirit, the limitlessness of the cosmic universe, the mythological, the spiritual, the exploration of my EARTH LIGHT body which emanates from infinity (this is the realm of the MYSTERY, the wildest imagination), as well as a real concern for our beautiful planet MOTHER EARTH.  The premise of this heuristic body of work is that the current planetary crises are crises in human consciousness, crises of the humanity group soul/spirit. As an environmental advocate and consciousness activist, my work intends to intentionally participate in redesigning culture, the intentional participation in designing a post-growth ecological culture (this is the creative process of redesigning culture) for an ecologically sustainable and spiritually thriving planetary future. My intention is to shed light on the sacred multidimensional ways in which we potentiate the power of our consciousness. This body of work is a prayer to humanity to align our mind and hearts, to raise the power of our hearts, to develop methods and technologies to go inward towards the complexities and awareness of our individual connection to Source We are the Rainbow Warriors.  If the world is indeed participatory, we manifest/dream this world into existence. Indeed, dear friends... a colourful future is ours to create! 

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