The first time he touched me, I remember clearly meeting him in a dark cave-like bar somewhere on the plateau Mont-Royal. Where the fuck was that? He bought me a gin and tonic, and I am pretty sure he drugged me that night to raped me. I woke up traumatized in his bed. I can't remember consciously what happened that night. I need to find out what happened that night. I have a somatic hypnotherapy session this weekend to begin letting go of the debilitating trauma and obsession that I have been holding on and carrying inside of me. I just want to make a quick note on why I do not choose to do psychotherapy. Recently, I spoke with a woman who is specialized in sexual trauma. When speaking on the phone with this psychotherapist, she mentioned coldly: “You will never truly heal from sexual trauma.” I disagree. So, why am I going to pay $200 hours to speak with a woman who doesn’t think I can heal? It seems counterproductive. This is why I choose to work with a somatic hypnotherapist. This man said I would feel better after the first session, and if I don’t feel better, I don’t have to pay. He also said that he usually sees his patients no more than three times. His fee is reasonable, and he told me he could help me heal from this debilitating trauma. I will also be exploring other forms of alternative healing therapies until I feel whole and healed. I am so excited to heal. I want a loving boyfriend. I deserve love.
It is painful and isolating to not be able to let yourself be vulnerable enough to engage in a healthy relationship. I have come to know my debilitating emotional patterns intimately. I can no longer live like this because I need intimacy and love to thrive. It is no longer enough for me to survive. I want my life back. I want to be happy! I want to live my life with fierce courage and trust in the present moment! What I had when I was 16 was so beautiful and so precious…A.T. had to take it from me. I took all the responsibility when I lied in court to protect him from going to prison...and it almost killed me. He raped my body-heart-soul, and in this way he stole my innocence and my JOY.
I actually cannot believe it took me 25 years to understand this. It seems so obvious now... Yesterday I finally understood that it is because A.T. was obsessed with me that I have been carrying this obsession inside me. This obsession has been living inside me, but it is not me, and it is not mine. It is his soullessness, his sickness, his obsession. I don’t want it anymore. He can have it back. This obsession I have been carrying inside of me…he gave it to me when he raped me, and sexually abuse of me over and over again...Sick bastard. I forgive you. I feel compassion and LOVE for you. Do you believe me? I almost feel sorry for you, but I don't because it is the sacred drama we have both chosen to engage in this lifetime. You are my true soulmate. This was a soul contract. That's for sure. An archetypal drama our infinite souls agreed to play…I am grateful for it all. I have grown into a wise, loving and generous mature woman.
I believe this happened because of an oath I have made somewhere in a lifetime other than this one. This oath was to protect all children everywhere always. This is it! This is what I am doing. For the protection of all children everywhere always. Refining my understanding and deepening my sense of wisdom, as well as protecting children. This all makes me happy, and so does sharing my thoughts with you dear reader. If it is true that I have this ragging pain inside me screaming for healing, it is also true that I am going to heal. And when I do. Boy! oh! Boy! Baby! Baby! Baby! Oh ya! I will be so fierce, unstoppable, and so fucking beautiful. It's going to be scary.
Just wait and see.