I wish I had some good news…something positive to share this morning. The truth is that I am terrified. The somatic hypnosis has helped me understand the complexity and depth of my trauma, and I believe it has helped me heal some aspects of the trauma, but to be honest I feel lost emotionally. I understand my trauma better than ever before, and I understand that I may never be fully healed. I am trying to accept this painful truth. The truth is that I may never be able to share my heart, experience intimacy and love.
The position of the school is that the rapist has been pardoned by the Queen. And that there is nothing else that can be done. My position is that if the Queen knew what that rapist had done to me, she would have never pardoned him. Through my efforts to denounce the rapist who is still teaching at this prestigious school in Montreal, I was able to consider, understand, and integrate the fact that A.T. drugged and raped me. He drugged and raped me, and sexually aggressed me for a period of 6 months, kidnapping me, and asking me to marry him over and over until we went to court. I tried to help him because I was innocent and did not understand what he had done to me. What he did to me almost killed me. I am not responsible for his criminal misconduct, and his inability to keep his cock inside his pants.
My 1994 court testimony is worthless because of the trauma I was experiencing. I was in no emotional state to give my statement in front of a judge… I had no psychological support nor the multidisciplinary team necessary to tackle this kind of a complex case. We went to court approximately 6 to 8 months after I was drugged, raped. It took 25 years for me to even consider that A.T. may have drugged and raped me. It is only after the violent physical reaction I experienced when opening the 1994 police report that I understood with the perspective of a mature woman what had really happened to me with much more sophisticated depth. Shortly after, I consumed 3,5 grams of psilocybin mushrooms. This experience allowed me access to my unconscious. And that day, for the first time, I was able to understand that A.T. was obsessed with me. That’s the reason he drugged and raped. And after my mom found out and force me to make a police report, he kidnapped me. He gave me his sickness and his obsession when he raped me. I was unconscious, but you see, the body never forgets these things. Six months after we went to trial I tried to kill myself. I was 17 years old. That monster enjoys teaching privileges that continue to grant him opportunities to hurt someone else. Although I do not have children of my own, I believe this to be absolutely unacceptable.
I called my local police department a few days ago because I want to reopen the criminal investigation. The police officer was very kind and transferred me to a woman lieutenant investigator. She is currently bringing the case to the prosecutor to find out more information about this case. What happened in court in 1994? Did he plead guilty or innocent? What was he pardoned for? I hope that I will be able to reopen this criminal investigation because that’s what needs to happen. I won’t sleep at night knowing that I let this fucker lose. The lieutenant told me that sometimes you just can't get justice. She told me that it is possible that I did all that I could and should not blame myself for not being able to do more. I disagree. Where there is a will there is a way. Archaic policies need to be changed if they are not serving society. If I am not able to reopen this criminal investigation, I am prepared to contact Honorable Jody Wilson-Raybould, Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada.
I am also starting to research the neurobiological effects of sexual assault and trauma, as well as the best practices to interview a survivor of sexual assault…If I have to go to law school to settle this karmic depth myself, I will have another reason to go to law school apart from my passion for protecting our Mother Earth. I am tackling all of this from a spiritual point of view. Life is a spiritual school, lessons that have not been learned keep creeping back… I am not carrying this bullet around in my next life. This cosmic lesson has to be settled now, in this life. I need to be free.
This is the wave I dreamed about.