I CAN'T BREATH.
If you want to fully understand this blog post I suggest you read the April 25th, 2018, blog post “Children are not disposable garbage for pedophiles.” This letter has been sent to the school in question. After receiving the police report from SPUM the police archive I was directed too, the documents have been scanned and were sent to the school’s lawyer. I was informed that I will be receiving the school’s position once people are back from vacation.
I recently messed up an amazing relationship with the perfect guy who appeared to be genuinely interested in having a monogamous long-term relationship with me. I have been meditating and doing so much yoga in the last few years that I am extremely self-aware when I am not having a panic attack. Even when I AM having a panic attack, I notice that what I am experiencing is a form of mental illness, PTSD, the obvious result of trauma. However, this time it is clear to me that it will be impossible for me to develop a kind attachment to someone because of the trauma of my sexual aggression and snowballing effects. In the past, it was perhaps easier for me to put the blame on the guy because he did this or that, or did not do this or that, but this time, I went straight to crazy town without the guy doing anything to me. This was helpful in a way because it has really allowed me to see the pattern I engage in clearly. Why? Why would I freak out on someone that is only nice to me, treats me with respect and kindness, and whom I really like? Why did I say those mean things that are not even true? Why was I so mean? I am not a mean person. I am not a hateful person. Why did I make sure he would never contact me again? These are important questions because I will need to forgive myself for not being able to offer my heart, for saying stupid things, for sabotaging relationship after relationship, and for hurting people. I won’t date anymore until I heal. I am going to suck it up, get hugs from my mom when I need cuddling, and learn to forgive myself for recreating the exact same destructive pattern over and over again…a pattern that has snowballed over the last 25 years, and is now neatly bundled-up, impenetrable and harder than a rock.
I have been reading and informing myself a little more about the trauma of being a sexual aggression survivor, and the symptoms are all there. There is nothing I would love more than having a long-term monogamous relationship with a man who adores me, and whom I adore. I am soon to be 41 years old and I would also love to have kids. However, it’s not possible for me to date with the sexual aggression and trauma I have experienced at 16 years old without some form of serious healing. I am going to stop pretending that everything is OK, because everything is not OK. I am not OK. I feel awful. I got off Tinder. I don’t want to hurt people with my emotional baggage anymore. I end up hurting myself so much more by repeating the pattern.
Meditation, yoga, and a healthy conscious organic vegan diet help me stay balanced most of the time, but the truth is that I am unable to heal by myself. Although, the conscious awareness I gain from intense yoga and meditation practice is deeply valuable, and I am grateful that I have had the time to explore meditation and yoga so deeply in the last few years, the reality of the matter is that the sexual aggression I endured when I was 16 years old has traumatized my being too its core. A part of my soul is broken. Unfortunately, this is not a metaphor. I am unable to experience romantic attachment. It’s like being trapped in a terrifying nightmare and being unable to wake up. It takes about one month for me to sabotage it, using the exact same recurring pattern, which has been tailored for my needs. It keeps me away from any possibility of intimacy. The broken part of my soul makes sure of that. I used to think I was not good enough, not beautiful enough, not whatever enough. However, the intense yoga and meditation I have been practicing over the last few years have taught me and shown me that I am enough. I know I am enough. I am a good woman. I am loving and generous. I deeply care about people around me. I am just not whole. I will have to unearth that buried part of myself. Healing will mean becoming whole again. Although, on a soul level I forgive my aggressor, in this lifetime I am going to make a hell of a lot of noise to protect others, and raise social consciousness around these issues.
This week I received the police report from when I was sexually abused by my French teacher A.T. in 1994 from SPUM the police archived. First, I want to say that I really had to dig these documents out. After I sent the first letter to the school, the school’s lawyer asked me for proof that this indeed had happened to me…So, I went to the Montreal court house, the Palais de Justice de Montréal, to look for information about the event, nobody was going to find these documents for me. There, I was sent to three different offices…only to be told that there was nothing in the system. This is because we went to criminal court in 1994, but the aggressor was manipulating me to make sure he wasn’t going to be convicted. At first, nobody was able to tell me where I would be able to find these documents. However, the folks at the Montreal Palais de Justice were kind to me and encouraging: “If this happened the documents have to be somewhere.” Kindness is powerful! In fact, you never know what people are going through…kind compassion is one of the most powerful tools we have as a society for healing and transformation! Finally, I was able to speak with a woman police officer who told me to look into SPUM the police archive. I did. I had to pay 15$ and send a request for a copy of the official police report documents. I have a fresh memory of the people who helped me that day. I am deeply grateful for their help, their compassion, and the sense of support I felt while doing my investigation.
A few days ago, I received the documents by the mail in a large envelop. The day the envelop arrived, I had planned to work in the garden all day and I had dropped a small dose of LSD. I placed the letter on the corner of the desk waiting for a proper time to open it. A few hours later, I opened the letter. When I started reading the cover letter accompanying the police report, I began to cry hysterically. My whole body and my jaw was trembling intensely. I don’t know if I have ever experienced anything like it before. It as if a very intense energy was going through my body, I could feel it pass through me. It was uncontained energy of terrifying horror. The psychedelic experience was so gentle with me that day. On my way to the lawyer’s office I felt held by a gentle kind, feminine, loving presence. It was a fascinating day. That day I was really able to see the thread of my life as a mature, extremely sensitive, intelligent 40 years old woman, and how from that first experience of sexual aggression and trauma, I have come to be how I am now, and who I am today. I have done a lot of work on myself already, and I am grateful that I am healthy enough to not engage in an unhealthy relationship. Only, I so wish to experience intimacy and love. I crave cuddles so much!! I will focus on my healing for now. I will do everything I can to heal myself. I am worth it!
I recently messed up an amazing relationship with the perfect guy who appeared to be genuinely interested in having a monogamous long-term relationship with me. I have been meditating and doing so much yoga in the last few years that I am extremely self-aware when I am not having a panic attack. Even when I AM having a panic attack, I notice that what I am experiencing is a form of mental illness, PTSD, the obvious result of trauma. However, this time it is clear to me that it will be impossible for me to develop a kind attachment to someone because of the trauma of my sexual aggression and snowballing effects. In the past, it was perhaps easier for me to put the blame on the guy because he did this or that, or did not do this or that, but this time, I went straight to crazy town without the guy doing anything to me. This was helpful in a way because it has really allowed me to see the pattern I engage in clearly. Why? Why would I freak out on someone that is only nice to me, treats me with respect and kindness, and whom I really like? Why did I say those mean things that are not even true? Why was I so mean? I am not a mean person. I am not a hateful person. Why did I make sure he would never contact me again? These are important questions because I will need to forgive myself for not being able to offer my heart, for saying stupid things, for sabotaging relationship after relationship, and for hurting people. I won’t date anymore until I heal. I am going to suck it up, get hugs from my mom when I need cuddling, and learn to forgive myself for recreating the exact same destructive pattern over and over again…a pattern that has snowballed over the last 25 years, and is now neatly bundled-up, impenetrable and harder than a rock.
I have been reading and informing myself a little more about the trauma of being a sexual aggression survivor, and the symptoms are all there. There is nothing I would love more than having a long-term monogamous relationship with a man who adores me, and whom I adore. I am soon to be 41 years old and I would also love to have kids. However, it’s not possible for me to date with the sexual aggression and trauma I have experienced at 16 years old without some form of serious healing. I am going to stop pretending that everything is OK, because everything is not OK. I am not OK. I feel awful. I got off Tinder. I don’t want to hurt people with my emotional baggage anymore. I end up hurting myself so much more by repeating the pattern.
Meditation, yoga, and a healthy conscious organic vegan diet help me stay balanced most of the time, but the truth is that I am unable to heal by myself. Although, the conscious awareness I gain from intense yoga and meditation practice is deeply valuable, and I am grateful that I have had the time to explore meditation and yoga so deeply in the last few years, the reality of the matter is that the sexual aggression I endured when I was 16 years old has traumatized my being too its core. A part of my soul is broken. Unfortunately, this is not a metaphor. I am unable to experience romantic attachment. It’s like being trapped in a terrifying nightmare and being unable to wake up. It takes about one month for me to sabotage it, using the exact same recurring pattern, which has been tailored for my needs. It keeps me away from any possibility of intimacy. The broken part of my soul makes sure of that. I used to think I was not good enough, not beautiful enough, not whatever enough. However, the intense yoga and meditation I have been practicing over the last few years have taught me and shown me that I am enough. I know I am enough. I am a good woman. I am loving and generous. I deeply care about people around me. I am just not whole. I will have to unearth that buried part of myself. Healing will mean becoming whole again. Although, on a soul level I forgive my aggressor, in this lifetime I am going to make a hell of a lot of noise to protect others, and raise social consciousness around these issues.
This week I received the police report from when I was sexually abused by my French teacher A.T. in 1994 from SPUM the police archived. First, I want to say that I really had to dig these documents out. After I sent the first letter to the school, the school’s lawyer asked me for proof that this indeed had happened to me…So, I went to the Montreal court house, the Palais de Justice de Montréal, to look for information about the event, nobody was going to find these documents for me. There, I was sent to three different offices…only to be told that there was nothing in the system. This is because we went to criminal court in 1994, but the aggressor was manipulating me to make sure he wasn’t going to be convicted. At first, nobody was able to tell me where I would be able to find these documents. However, the folks at the Montreal Palais de Justice were kind to me and encouraging: “If this happened the documents have to be somewhere.” Kindness is powerful! In fact, you never know what people are going through…kind compassion is one of the most powerful tools we have as a society for healing and transformation! Finally, I was able to speak with a woman police officer who told me to look into SPUM the police archive. I did. I had to pay 15$ and send a request for a copy of the official police report documents. I have a fresh memory of the people who helped me that day. I am deeply grateful for their help, their compassion, and the sense of support I felt while doing my investigation.
A few days ago, I received the documents by the mail in a large envelop. The day the envelop arrived, I had planned to work in the garden all day and I had dropped a small dose of LSD. I placed the letter on the corner of the desk waiting for a proper time to open it. A few hours later, I opened the letter. When I started reading the cover letter accompanying the police report, I began to cry hysterically. My whole body and my jaw was trembling intensely. I don’t know if I have ever experienced anything like it before. It as if a very intense energy was going through my body, I could feel it pass through me. It was uncontained energy of terrifying horror. The psychedelic experience was so gentle with me that day. On my way to the lawyer’s office I felt held by a gentle kind, feminine, loving presence. It was a fascinating day. That day I was really able to see the thread of my life as a mature, extremely sensitive, intelligent 40 years old woman, and how from that first experience of sexual aggression and trauma, I have come to be how I am now, and who I am today. I have done a lot of work on myself already, and I am grateful that I am healthy enough to not engage in an unhealthy relationship. Only, I so wish to experience intimacy and love. I crave cuddles so much!! I will focus on my healing for now. I will do everything I can to heal myself. I am worth it!
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