Death is Sacred III

Mourning is a Tidal Wave

Writing is healing.

With my birth, finding my mother dead and mourning my mother's dear SOUL, has been the most sacred period of my life. I remember clearly experiencing a tidal wave in a vivid dream I had approximately five weeks before she died. In my dream, I was in the ocean alone swimming, the water was clear and beautiful. Suddenly, this huge tidal wave came out of nowhere. I instantly knew that there was nothing I could do to avoid it. This huge wave was coming right at me.  There was no purpose fighting the experience. I had to let go, let the wave have me. I let go and woke up. I remember wondering what that dream was going to be about...I haven't had any dreams that I can remember since my mother died. Was this dream unconsciously preparing me for the approaching death of my mother and the intensity of the process of letting go of my dear mother's eternal SOUL? Fortunately, with the passing of time, this tidal wave is becoming more manageable. I intend to use the symbol of the tidal wave as a tool to trigger lucid dreaming from now on.

Thank you dear friend, dear stranger, for reading my work and participating in this healing process. ​

The immensity of this tidal wave symbolizes the emotional release of the boundless energetic emotional attachment and timeless SOUL contract that intertwines my HEART to my Mother's SOUL on this earthly plane and beyond. This flowering quantum melody remains eternal. I am blessed with the sadness I hold dearly in my heart. Mother, I will continue to pay homage to your SOUL by revering my deep sadness as a sacred prayer, and with it, the precious memory of your last smile. When I found my mama in front of the porch, she had already transitioned into the afterlife.  All that was left of this life was her last experience, that of her transition, the mystical experience of the experience of death...that of the welcoming angels of the afterlife...She had a rare smile on her face. I am so deeply grateful she choose to die in front of our house, where I could find her and be a kind witness to her last expression. That smile, my dear mother's last gift, will remain engraved in my heart for eternity. Death is the revelation of a moment of truth. The truth death uncovers is that of the unassailable ineffability of the boundlessness and sacredness of life. Death is the greatest teacher. It is the greatest teacher because of it's unforgivable finality.  Death teaches about LOVE and the preciousness of life.  Mother I promise to hold these layers of sacred memories in the pattern of a cross on the tip of my diamond-shaped heart. I have to hold my heart when it hurts. I will continue to hold my heart when it hurts. Holding my heart and my mama's sacred prayers with deep gratitude. Now that it has been almost one month, I hope to begin occupying my mind with the life that I am living. I have to slowly, patiently transition from the intensity of the first month of mourning to a little more structure. She is gone, but I am still here...with everything she has left me, and with an entire life to begin. ​

I had another dream about a week before she died, which I believe was a message from my unconscious to start preparing me for the unexpected and abrupt death of my mother. However, I was not mature enough to decipher the message. I dreamt about a black dog. The Egyptian mythological dog Sirius was smiling at me.  I researched the symbolic meaning and found that Sirius is both a protector and announcer of death. After the dream, I did considered the possibility of my mother dying... Then brushed it off thinking to myself: “My mother is not going to die because I am not ready.”  I miss her so much.  Now it is time for me to let her SOUL go.  It is time for me to let her go on.

The day I found my dead mother was a horrible day. The first moments after I found her dead I was extremely confused. Everybody reacts differently to the death of a loved one, and everybody's grieving process is going to be different. On day one of my dear mother's death, I was on a steady and intense release of adrenaline. I was unable to feel my sadness because I was too confused and in a state of shock! I understand the stressful numbness I felt... if my unconscious had allowed my HEART to fully feel my profound sadness, I would of died of sadness right then and there. There would have been no other way.  I felt a super weird uncomfortable numbness and adrenaline buzz for the rest of the day. I was really confused. I was terrified.

The lullaby recorded by Artemis the morning my mother died.

My best friend Artemis woke up that morning with a clear hymn in her head that she recorded as soon as she woke up. That's also when she saw the message I had written to her that my mom had died. She sent me the melody as soon as she read the message. She wrote to me: “Oh my love. I am with you. I just woke up and I can talk right now or after I meditate (Artemis meditates two hours a day) or anytime today or whenever you feel you want to talk. I love you so much. I am so sorry darling. I am right here. Please let me know how I can support you.” She sent me the melody she woke up remembering so clearly. She writes: “This is the melody. It's rare I wake up with one so clear in my memory. Artemis told me that she believed this melody was a kind lullaby my beloved mother had sent me. This melody has been so healing. I am so grateful for the gift! The melody sounds like an Ayahuasca Icaros for healing and meditation. The melody has been an important part of my mourning and healing process. Mother I miss your kind heart so much. I will continue to miss you everyday for the rest of my life. My one and only mama, soulmate, kindred SOUL.

Artemis picked a card from the Yogananda's deck of cards...

SOUL EVOLUTION
A “Para-Gram” by Paramahansa
Why do we cry when our dear ones die? Because we sorrow for our own loss. If our loved ones leave us for training in better schools of life, we should rejoice instead of being selfishly sad, for we may keep them earthbound and hamper their progress by broadcasting our own selfish wills. The Lord is ever new, and by His infinite magic wand, Renewing Death, He keeps each created object, each living being, ever manifesting, ever remodelling itself into a fitter vehicle for His inexhaustible expressions. Death comes to dutiful men as a promotion to a higher state; it comes to failures to give them another chance in a different environment. The life beautiful evolves as souls are trained in the factory of mighty death.

After she picked the card, Artemis sent me a picture of the message and wrote: "What a beautiful mystery life is..."  Mama! I pray with a courageous heart for the strength to be strong enough to let your wild eternal SOUL be released so that you may graduate to higher planes. You deserve to fly high. The profound message of the Yogananda card was so helpful in understanding my grieving process, especially in the following days and first weeks of the initial shock of my dear mother's death. I read this wisdom note out load for my aunts and uncle who all travelled from out of town to be with me at the cremation to honour my dear mother's SOUL.  I choose to witness the cremation​ and my goal was to not cry to allow the release of my dear mother's SOUL.  I was lucky that my mother's best friend Nadia, stayed with me during this process.  She held me closely.  I did cry before and after but not during the cremation process.  I am stronger now.  I have never been this powerful.  The strength of my mother in inside of my heart and SOUL.  I can feel her.  I will follow my best friend Akil's wise advice: "Everything that you do...Do it for her and for you!"  After Akil read my post he wrote back to me saying: "I just read your post.  It was so touching, yet enlightening.  I am so glad that you have found that maturity to help you on this process.  Life is a process, so is grieving, and as with any process there comes knowledge. And in knowledge there is power.  You my dear are becoming powerful. Keep it up!"